The legend of Ratbeard is told to any pirat who takes to the sewers. He was, despite being near-sighted, the king of plunderers—and the story goes he wove hemp ropes into his hair, which were doused in saltpeter and set on fire, to slowly burn and surround his head with smoke, thusly freaking out his enemies. He met his demise when he turned his ship into a septic system and the methane met his molten braids. A grand exit, to be sure.

The primitive ancestor of the modern-day pirat pillaged cave and cove, but wouldn’t take to the sea for thousands of years. In these days before being known for leaving a sinking ship, pirats were known for being the first out of a smoking cave.

The Illustration Friday theme this week is “primitive”.

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(click for larger version)

Pirats, in addition to sporting dapper outfits, are always acutely aware of their surroundings. Highly suspicious, they are constantly scanning the horizon for sloops full of cats, crows or coyotes. Being so attentive also means they often spot floating bags of discarded fast food before the seagulls. Survival of the fittest, the pirats will tell you; rude and selfish, say the seagulls.

Legendary plunderers, master swordsmen, and possessors of that sixth sense about when to leave a sinking ship, the pirats were poised to take over the Caribbean at one point—and they could have really reigned terror on the high seas, too, if they hadn’t been so distracted by petty arguments. These two, for instance, are bickering about which one ate the last pickle from the barrel on the poop deck, meanwhile their ship is being sacked by a team of rogue pelicans.

Let this be a lesson: squabbling can really get in the way of a good pillage.